It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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