well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
not ubering you a puppy
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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