If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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