i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
