Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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