it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
