I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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