I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
