John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
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