I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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