went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
