If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
