Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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