I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
