I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
