now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
