My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Randomize
