You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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