Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize