also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
