Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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