ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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