the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
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