I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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