a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
