Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
