My cat gives me a boner
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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