Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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