I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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