I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
