I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
The beer is more important than you right now.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
