The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
