I'm eating all of the evidence.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Randomize
