If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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