i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Actions speak louder than pants.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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