I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
