Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
