I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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