Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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