Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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