Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
