Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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