Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
