i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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