I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
