He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
