His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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