ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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