Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
