At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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