I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
