Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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