Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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