I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
