____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
