Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
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