I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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