God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
