We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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